What exactly are you saying?

When you communicate with others, have you noticed your conversations go off into a whirl wind of ‘miscommunication’? How many times have conversations finished before their time? What do I mean by that?

It is so common for people in general to make assumptions about what is being said, without getting clarification as to what it meant. Someone may say, ‘you make me so mad when you do that’…… ‘You don’t support me’……. ‘When you talk to people like that it really bothers me’. You may feel those are clear messages….but to me, they aren’t! When someone talks like that, they are only reacting in that moment and it may have nothing to do with what is actually going on. What is causing them to react that way?

If someone were to say to you, ‘you make me mad when you do that’, do you know what specifically you are doing that makes them mad? If they came to me to help them find out what bothers them about what you are doing, I would ask more questions to get clarity. It may sound something like this (for ease in writing, I will talk like you are a wife)……..it bugs me how my wife always talks to people like that. How is she talking to them? She’s always sticking her nose in other people’s business. What bothers you about that? It embarrasses me when she does that. What about that embarrasses you? I just wish she would stop bothering people and leave them alone. How is she bothering them? She gets talking away and it takes forever to get any place when we go shopping. Well could you let her talk and you go do your running around and meet her back at a certain time? We went shopping together so she should just shop with me. How do you feel about standing there having nothing to contribute to the conversation or nothing to say period? How do you feel about leaving her alone with other people or you being left alone? I hate it. I did enough of that as a child and I sure don’t want to be waiting any more.

That can be a real life situation. Messages are not always clear. I kid you not. As a coach, I personally have come to experience getting clarity on what people say can lead to the most miraculous shifts in someone’s energy. That man standing there sees his wife talking away with another person. He becomes bothered about the situation at that moment and reacts. The cause of it was an issue he had in childhood where he had to wait and wait and wait. Now as an adult he doesn’t want to have to wait anymore. Can I clear that so this man no longer has issues around waiting? You bet I can! Not only will this man feel more peace in shopping with his wife…..so will his wife!

When you are talking with your spouse, partner, family or friends….you may think you know what they are saying but do you really? When someone says ‘that is bothering me’….what is in the word ‘that’? When they say ‘it always happens’….what is in the word ‘it’?

You can communicate with much more clarity and even heal your relationships when you don’t make assumptions, when you don’t make accusations, when you don’t have insinuations or when you don’t imply things. You know when you meet someone for the first time, you ask a lot of questions to get clarity on what they think or do. If you treated every conversation like that, you will be on your way to finding what your issues, causes and reactions are all about. In working with the energy in the body, the messages will stand out as to what the real issue is behind the reaction.

Also, the unfinished messages like ‘do this or else…’ or ‘when your dad gets home….’ or ‘if they don’t give me that raise this week….’ where do they lead you? What is being implied with that statement? Finished or unfinished, it leaves the door open to interpretation of some kind. Is your intention to be misunderstood?

Excuses are what?

When you have a long term relationship like a marriage or partnership, as time goes by, excuses start to surface as to why you may not be so happy any more. You wish your partner would be more like you. You want your mate to have the same wants as you. You wish your partner would feel the same way about life in general as you do. What’s really happening? These repeated excuses that seem like disappointments are not because the relationship has gone sour or communications have ceased. Energetically speaking – an element in that is you want your partner to change instead of you having to change yourself. Think about that for a minute! You wish your partner would take an interest in what you like to do – well there are two avenues to go with that. One is clearing yourself, so you are okay that they don’t take an interest in what you like to do. The other is clearing your way to finding harmony between the both of you – appreciating and respecting your likes and dislikes in what you do and don’t do together. Regardless of who’s doing what, you can still come together in your marriage or long term relationship. Who has to change who?

Changing who and what?

When you don’t quite know who you are, or what you’re feeling, you may tend to want to make changes in your relationships or in the situations around you. You may feel you need to change jobs, leave your marriage, or wish your family situation was different….then things will be ‘better’ and you’ll find your self. If you change how your relationship is working, things will be better. When you get that new job, you will be so much happier. Once your mom is feeling better, your family can rest again. It’s all based on if and when things outside of you happen. Are you putting something on hold till ‘it’ happens?

You go outside of you to look to make the changes. Something about what’s going on around you is hard to deal with, causing you to want to make changes out ‘there’. This can leave you in a state of powerlessness. You have to wait for the world around you to change before you can change. Where is your focus and what really needs to change?

What do you feel has to change in your relationships or situations? For you to feel changes have to occur, there has to be something that isn’t working the way you would like it. You’re getting uncomfortable with what’s going on and that has to change. Consider what needs to change may be the changes within your self.

You are the only one who can create the changes you truly want in your life. If something is bothering you in your relationship, clear whatever it is in you and it will no longer be there to bother you. If it frustrates you to go to work because of the other staff, clear whatever is frustrating you and it will no longer have that affect on you. Whatever is affecting you in your life, you can easily clear it on an energetic level and it will not affect you again. It is that easy.

What causes relationships to degenerate over time?

Relationships of any kind can start out so great. Why do they degenerate over time? Most of the time it can be because of feeling hurt in some way. Accumulated hurt can begin with something like a slight difference of opinion, a sense of lack of importance, a feeling of unease or discord. Your mind may form images of those kinds of situations, where you put them in a box and assume this is who that person is becoming. Whatever you give a lot of energy to, grows. It can create a distance between two people. Those images become like strong judgments…which cause you to start to doubt the intensions of that person. Well, you know where this is going….when you start to doubt their intensions….when you start to not trust them….you will then start to become indifferent to each other. You mute any sense of pain within yourself and any sense of feelings in the relationship….which virtually brings it to an end.

Inability to be with hurt, whether it’s the other persons or your own….the emotions, the charges, the fears, may cause you to not stay in your relationship….which means you will more likely leave sooner than stay to work it out. The totality of your emotions, come to the fore front in a committed relationship of any kind.

In those relationships, can you move toward lesser conflict and more towards greater consciousness? Can you start to see a bigger purpose in all of what is happening? Going from the everyday life stuff of ‘they did me wrong’….to a bigger purpose where ‘what are they showing me on a day to day basis about myself?’ You see, the bigger purpose of relationships….as you grow together…those great qualities that you found so wonderful in the beginning, you may find hard to deal with now. Is it the other person that is getting hard to deal with or are those qualities the issue?

I’ll give you an example. You love how your partner is so gentle and kind with you. You haven’t been treated like that in any other relationship before. Over time, you start to feel agitated when he is gentle with you. You start to get jealous when he is so gentle and kind to other women. It becomes a bother and now an issue within your relationship. What changed? Was it your partner who seems to be the same wonderful kind and gentle partner you know……or did something change in you? You see….as you both grow together in your relationship, your heart starts to soften with the kindness, with the gentleness, and you start to open up to that great wonderful quality in you as well. If you aren’t used to that part of you, it may cause some discomfort. The feeling of jealousy may come from fear…when you start to feel that kindness and gentleness within your own heart, you may then feel the fear of losing it to someone else. Can you clear that within yourself, so jealousy is never an issue again? You bet you can! You only need to find someone like me.

Here's another example. One of the things you love about your partner is how she flows with money. She doesn’t seem to be bogged down with any financial issues at all. You think….wow, someone who doesn’t have a care in the world about money! In the beginning it’s fun to start to flow with money, like you are learning from her! Then along comes one big financial challenge in the marriage and you both have to walk through it. She wants to flow with it like she always does, but for you, now in front of your face are the financial issues, bothers, challenges that seemed to have held you back most of your life. Think of the pain in that. You start to get agitated and frustrated with her because now she’s not being responsible in your eyes….she’s not thinking things through as much as you feel you both need to do…..the list goes on. You start to feel your marriage isn’t working because she’s not listening to anything you say and she’s not this and she’s not that. Who has the issue in your relationship?

If you are both committed to grow together like in a marriage for example, each person has a responsibility to the marriage. If you were going to put it in a triangle, one point is you, one point is your partner and one point of the triad is your marriage. Each point influences the strength of the whole triangle. From my very educated experience…..energetically speaking – the person who has the issue, the bother, the problem with something that is being or not being done……they are the one who has something to clear.

Can You Make Them Do Anything?

My mother-in-law is in the hospital right now after having her knee replacement done. I went to do reflexology on her feet and asked her to lift her leg up so I could put a pillow under her ankle. She couldn't lift her leg by herself. I noticed right away I was bothered by that. She had her knee replacement done 2 weeks ago and she still couldn't lift her leg. We did help her lift her leg so I could work on her feet. This brought about a huge revelation for me. You see, every day when we go in to visit her, I work on her feet and I also do energy work on her. What I came to see was I can do the reflexology and the energy work for her....but I can't do everything for her.

In life, you can help your family and friends and whoever, but you can't do it for them. Energetcially speaking, you can walk beside them, but you can't walk for them. You can help them breath, but you can't breath for them. You can lead them but you can't make them follow. You can only do so much to support the people around you and they have to still take the necessary steps to do for themself. If you find you are the kind of person who is bothered by this....there may be a number of things going on. It can be anything from the need to control the people around you, all the way to you having trouble trusting the process other people have to go through for themself. Those are only a few things this may be showing you.

Even if you make them do 'it' once, you can't make them do it all the time. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You can show it how, but you can't convince it's the best thing for it. Sometimes in the process, the horse has to try something else before it knows the real value of drinking the water.

They're in my life to show me what?

I got to thinking about growing up! When I was in school, I was on the honor roll and did very well. I was ‘highly recommended’ they called it – which meant I graduated without having to write a final exam. I didn’t have to worry about my smarts. That’s what helped me get to where I wanted to go in life.

What I didn’t have to worry about was my weight! I was ‘chubby’…you know one of those ‘so not like barbie types!’ I remember my weight issues being a real bothersome thing for me growing up. Coming from a family of 6 children, at times I only had one pair of ‘stretchy’ pants. Made me think about wearing out the middle of the legs in my pants and getting teased, wasn’t the greatest feeling.

My sisters were skinny and it used to bother me that I wasn’t. As well, my mom was very heavy and has been most of her life. They were some of the people around me reflecting back to me how I wasn’t happy with my body (you know that part of me that goes everywhere I go).

When I look at my life now, I see something interesting showing up. I am coming to be more at peace with my body and all its wonderment. Along with that peacefulness, comes acceptance of my self. I know I’m less and less judgmental of the size of people and I see that reflected in those around me. I attract more people who are okay with them selves, whether they are skinny or fat. I knew something had changed when I went over to my mom’s and I didn’t even notice what she was wearing (a sign that I didn’t even pay any attention to her body).

When you can be okay with being fat or being skinny, being smart or being dumb, you will not react to things related to them. Regardless of who is around you, you will be okay, which is a sign of being neutral….and that’s the place where you will find peace. The people around you reflect back to you where you are at with anything that is going on in your life. They love and support you enough to show you if there is something there for you to work through. If something bothers you, you can lovingly clear through it.

Relating to others around you...relating to your Self

Let’s look at the relationships around you today. In the relationship with your partner/spouse, how do you relate with each other? In the relationship between you and each one of your children, how do you relate with each other? With every relationship that is important to you, how do you relate with each other? If you are ‘strong’ in relating with each other, your ‘internal dynamics’ will be strong between the two of you. It will mean you will not be affected by the ‘external world’ around you!

If you and your partner/spouse relate strongly with each other, you won’t be affected by for example, the in-laws or friends who may try to influence some part of the relationship between the two of you. The same goes with each one of your children. There will be a ‘strong’ feeling between the two of you. When you come to feel that strength, you can move onto the family unit as a whole. Everyone in the family can relate coming from a place of strength with each other.

Let’s keep moving forward…what about your relationship with God? Are you strong in relating with God? If there is a weakness there, you will feel it. Now, what about your Self? Are you strong in relating with/to your Self? That may sound odd, but I assure you, if you have a weakness with your Self, you will feel it when you think about relating to your Self. By clearing your weaknesses, you will be in a stronger place within your Self….and you will feel it!

Who's in control of who?

With Valentine’s Day around the corner…I feel one of the most important qualities in a relationship with your partner is to accept the decisions they make and to support them in those decisions. That is without saying anything to the contrary! Easy? Are you kidding me! It has to be one of the toughest things for me to overcome. I’m not only talking about my husband, I’m talking about the majority of my relationships with people. In looking back, anytime I’ve ‘reacted’ to their decisions in the past, it hasn’t been a good experience. It almost felt like I wished I wouldn’t have said anything.

‘Reacting’ shows up when you try to talk them out of their decision for some reason. It can come from thinking you know what would be better than they do. It can come from those times where you thought you were smarter or it can go deep down to where you wanted them to do what you wanted them to do (maybe be with you instead of going out with their friends). Talk about controlling issues. I know I’ve come from all those places at one time or another. It truly has been my reaction that showed me my lessons. If I don’t get it the first time, it shows up again. The Universe is so good about making sure I get it one of these times.

Almost every time I’ve reacted to some of the decisions my husband has made, I’ve come to a place of seeing how what I did was wrong (if I could use that word); how what I did was not called for. One time he made plans to do some building in the garage. I talked him out of it so we could be together that night. He changed his plans and what ended up happening was I got a call to do some energy work on someone who needed it that night. If I would have accepted my husband’s decision to work in the garage, and supported him, we would have both been in a place to do what we were both called to do that night.

The other side of that is true as well. My husband made plans to do some building and I was at peace with those plans. I knew we would be together later. What happened was his plans changed and I got to be with him the whole night.

When we get ourselves out of the way allowing life to flow, it does so for the highest good of the whole involved. We don’t see what is planned for us or the others in our life for that matter. Are you okay with that? Who’s in control of who?

Now looking back, was it something from childhood?

When I work on people for their issues and pains, I can get to a place with some people where something in their childhood comes up as a source of their pain. Some get quite defensive saying they had a great childhood and how their mom and dad are wonderful loving people. I continue to follow the clearing of what I get and when I’m done, I ask about the pain. They say it’s gone.

I was sitting in the airport this past weekend. I saw a mom interacting with her two daughters. The youngest one looked about 2 years old and was being held by the mom. The other daughter I would say was about 4 years old. She wanted to be held by the mom as well. When her mom wouldn’t hold her, the 4 year old yelled at the 2 year old and then at the mom, as she was trying to push her way into her mom’s arms to be cuddled as well. It didn’t happen. She resigned herself to the fact that she wasn’t going to be held and with a mad look on her face, went to sit in another chair.

Something as simple as that could cause issues for that child when she gets to adulthood. If that child goes through a phase where she continues to be sent away, she may grow up to feel ‘no matter what she does her mother won’t give her attention’ and if her mother does give her attention, it may show up in the form of punishment for acting out or yelling. She may also grow up to resent her sister getting all the attention. It can start as young as that. Then as an adult, she may get into relationships where she goes through a stage where her partner doesn’t giver her much attention. Will it be because the partner is being mean? What is her partner showing her?

You see, your central nervous system registers everything that goes on in your life. The hurts and pains will manifest in your life through your physical body or in your relationships of all kinds. When they show up, they can easily be cleared at an energetic level. When you connect to the solution of your problem, your issue will be resolved, regardless of where it originated!

Where are your parents in your body?

Energetically it is spoken that your left side of your body is your feminine/yin side and your right side is your masculine/yang side. Well now incorporate your mother on your left side and your father on your right side. Firstly, look at your mom and dad individually. What generally stands out about what you noticed they did or didn’t do when it comes to for example, money, working, or relationships? Once you’ve done that, look at how they relate(d) to each other. Then look at your self in relation to them. How were you treated? As an adult now, young or old, look at the areas where you struggle or have challenges. Using the information you noticed about your parents, what are you noticing about your own life? Where are you feeling most of the problems in your physical body, on your left or your right side? How are you running your energy? Are there times when you’ve said you would hate to be like your mom or dad? What if you were like ‘them’? You will begin to see some patterns unfolding.

In my life growing up and still even now, my father yells at my mom all the time to do something. It seems when he gets frustrated with things he yells at my mom (that generation didn’t deal too well with their emotions). I reacted to this at home. It sure bothered me and can still catch me off guard. I would start to yell back at him telling him there was no need to yell. I also took that bother into my adulthood; no one was ever going to yell at me in this life time! There are times though where I yell. Hummm! Now my mom was a traditional stay at home mom. She raised us children, being there every day to make sure we had meals prepared and clean clothes for us. I will always remember how she was the one to drive us to all our activities. She would sew our clothes and even did some sewing for others. Along the way she sewed more professionally. She would spend hours and hours sewing beads on wedding gowns and only charge $200. When I would ask her for money for my activities, she wouldn’t have any and would send me to the garage to ask my dad. That was a nightmare because it turned into a begging session. It bothered me to have to ask for money for anything.

Well here’s what I’m noticing in my life. I feel I struggle to get my business to really take off. I’m silencing my business side some how; I’m silencing my dad so I don’t have to hear his yelling anymore. I feel this physically on my right side. When I look at my mother side, I have pushed and shoved and pulled myself so hard, because I didn’t want to be yelled at for doing nothing. I also tend to find it hard to charge for my services at times. As I’m becoming conscious of these patterns I can understand what’s behind some of my issues!

That is only one aspect of my mother/father part of me. Its about learning how I’m running my energy. It has helped me to see where pains, patterns, habits, etc. originate. Have fun!

Intimacy/Pleasure

‘Putting a little love in your heart’

In the beginning of November 2008, Oprah had a show on television totally dedicated to sex. She had a therapist talk about all aspects of sex. I found it startling to hear her say that 1 in 5 married couples (40 million) live in a sexless marriage. She also said that more than ½ of men and women are not satisfied in their sexual relationships. If this is what’s happening in the USA, to some extent it must be happening in Canada. With those statistics, it made me wonder, ‘what’s blocking people from participating and enjoying the art of lovemaking? Where do people lose that connection in their partnerships?’

The area of relationships has always interested me. What makes us do the things we do? Let’s look at our own partnerships. Are you and your partner as close as you would like to be? Are you able to give and receive pleasure from your partner? Is this an area in which you would like things to be better? Generally speaking, people don’t openly talk about their sex life. Whatever it is that’s preventing you from having the intimacy that you long for, according to the statistics above, you are not alone.

Most people would say they have problems because of their busy schedules. Along with their full time job, they have the children to take care of, the housework to do, the meetings to attend, and family issues to settle. The list can go on. By the end of the day, there isn’t any time left, let alone have any energy to give or receive our partners. When you think about it, if there was going to be a fun group getting together on Friday night, you would make time for it; you would want to be a part of it. What is really missing or what is really blocking you from taking that time to be with your partner?

Time in your day may not be the only issue. There can be some other aspects to consider that could be keeping you from getting close to your partner. Relationships with close friends can be one area to look at. If you have friends that you share everything with, you may feel closer to them than your own partner. This can create some distance between you and your partner. Other areas include how you feel about your body or the body of your partner, touch, rejection and so on. There can be many reasons why we don’t participate.

When things have been going on for a long time, we can tend to accept them as the norm. We lose sight of what that closeness can feel like. If you would like to see changes in your partnership, think of what it is you would like to change. What would you like to see more of? Be really honest with yourself. Once you have identified what it is, how can you bring those changes about. Look at making time for yourself. Are your needs being met? Can you communicate them to your partner? Are there any blocks to communicating? Your partner may not even know what you are feeling. Break it down into smaller pieces. The wonderful thing about knowing what you want is you can make changes for the better. It may even be about finding balance in your life. Little by little you can bring that spark back into your partnership.

If you are feeling you aren’t as close to your partner as you once were, how about starting with a 10 second kiss every day. When you don’t have time in your schedule, it can be as simple as taking 10 seconds either in the morning or last thing at night. Just be present with them. It may seem long at first but you may come to appreciate the little bit of time you can connect with your partner again. It doesn’t have to lead to being intimate. See what happens. Imagine looking forward to the next time your partner comes close to you.

I enjoy working on all aspects of relationships. Using the coaching along with the Yuen Method of energetic clearing, I work with people and their energy (that non-physical part of us). I help them clear through whatever is holding them back from experiencing more satisfaction in the area of intimacy and pleasure. Consider a change in how you feel, whether physically, mentally or emotionally. February was heart month. Have the courage to ‘put a little love in your heart’.

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